Celeb Personals

By Saryn Chorney

If you think finding true love is tough, imagine what celebrities go through. That's why we're here to help. This week's swingin' single crew includes Sean Penn, Robin Wright Penn, Nas, Kelis, Katie Price and more. Let's find 'em some love, shall we…

Don't F***ing Call Me Spicoli, 48, sks meek, preferably blond-ish beauty for fast times, scaring the crap out of paps and politically-charged conversation. Must tolerate mood swings, violent outbursts, and socializing with Gen X and Y stars, as well as foreign dictators. If you love catering to the needs of a demanding double Oscar-winning narcissist, I'm your (almost) twice-divorced man. Queens of Pop and Princess Buttercups need not apply; Lindsay Lohan and Natalie Portman OK.

Former Gump Gal, 43, sks intensely strong-willed, brooding, possibly womanizing actor/director type. Likes: Santa Barbara, buttercups and perpetually sacrificing my own career opportunities for a man. Dislikes: Comparisons to Madonna, the phrase "Run Forrest, run!" and thoughtless Oscar acceptance speeches. Lactose intolerant OK.

Not That Nasty, 35, sks "illmatic" mama with tasty shakes and simpatico dress code for stepmotherly duties ASAP. Likes: Feuds, Scarface, controversial album titles and thinking about if I ruled the world (imagine that), no offense Barack! Dislikes: Crunk, that chump Bill O'Reilly and playa hater Jesse Jackson. Must be OK with large nude tattoo of soon-to-be ex-wife on my arm. Tatoo removal technicians encouraged to apply.

I Can Teach You, But I'd Have to Charge: Milkshake goddess, 26, sks soft-spoken, loyal lamaze partner, preferably a millionaire, who's ready for fast fatherhood. Must enjoy snacking, tight gold pants, and a variety of hairstyles. Must despise Miami po-pos, Wendy Williams and sex tape b.s. Lactose intolerant, cheating hotheads need not apply — this yard is closed.

Real (Catty) Ex-Housewife, 40-50ish, sks socially desirable, well-connected new hubby for career opportunities, punching practice and Botox endowment fund. Likes: Clarins, Elle mag, stealing jewelry design ideas, and occasionally playing rough with boy-toys. Dislikes: SAKS (for dropping me), court orders, the damn real estate market and that b*tch Bethenny. If you love leather, I'm your lady.

Buzz-Cut Babe, 22, lookin' for love with "bad boy" — but not Diddy, OK?! Must enjoy my voice, sweet smile, "Step Up 2: The Streets," unique haircuts, nudie pics and Twitter. Dislikes peeps callin' me an attention whore (eff off Fabolous!), makin' a big deal about some lil' boobies, knockin' the Nutmeg state and rumors about me 'n Diddy. Did I mention my mentor Diddy? Must ELECTRO LOVE Diddy! Lock it in!

Multi-hyphenate Brit Fembot, 30, sks boyfriend, baby daddy, husband, hook-up or whatever bloke for mascara-smeared crying jags on shoulder and sex (only if I feel like it). Likes: Page 3 (who doesn't?), plastic surgery, nude beaches, booze and equestrian fashions. Dislikes: Jealousy, C-section scars, being called Jordan, sick kids and sleeping without a teddy bear. I'm A Celebrity … Get Me Outta Here (and into your bed)!