The Afternoon Shortlist for March 16

Gwyneth Paltrow isn't buying Joaquin Phoenix's hip-hop persona. Here's Gwyn's advice for her "Two Lovers" co-star: "Maybe to go live in the projects for a few years to get some authenticity." Burned! And by the creator of GOOP. (People)

Britney Spears' father allegedly requires his daughter to read the Bible daily. He also blocks Brit's access to junk food and the Internet. You know, that last part wouldn't be a bad idea for most of Hollywood. (Socialite Life)

The U.K.'s Mirror tabloid reports that 22-year-old Jesus Luz has moved in with Madonna. Maybe this is what Madonna meant when she said she'd consider adopting again? (The Mirror)

"Fast & Furious" actor Paul Walker is unabashedly supportive of Chris Brown. "It sucks, bro … people do dumb stuff," he said of the singer's situation, adding, "I'm sure he's plenty sorry." There you have it, a man as wise as his movies. (Hitfix)

The Sun reports that Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer's split was instigated by Jen. John reportedly "went cold" on Jen after the Oscars, prompting her to pull the plug. Insert the "he's just not that into her" joke of your choosing. (The Sun)